Sorry America, we're reclaiming your country...

[Fastbrit]

 
Great Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, currently Gordon Brown (but hopefully not much longer…), will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of You noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with "catsup" but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a Cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all Monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (NOT cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

[team97]

Keith, did hell freeze over or did Doug get his car running? Now about this aluminum thing.

Glenn

[Fastbrit]

Keith, did hell freeze over or did Doug get his car running? Now about this aluminum thing.

Glenn

As far as I am aware, Mr & Mrs Satan's home is still pretty warm...

PS - What's "aluminum"?

[Rick Meredith]

I've got a vegetable peeler and I'm not afraid to use it!

[team97]

It's the same as aluminium but spelled correctly.

[Rennsurfer]

Great Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Fantastic! It's about time that someone take the helm of this lunacy that's run way off of course. Bring it on!

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Um... okay, most of us don't care. Next?

Your new prime minister, currently Gordon Brown (but hopefully not much longer…), will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

HUH? C'mon, man... I don't even know who our presidents have been for the last two decades. On with the good stuff, please.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

Whatever works for you guys... great. The current misuse of the system sucks arse.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of You noticed.

Uh... okay. I noticed. Moving right along.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Groovy, got it. I always did well in my English classes. How about you looking up the word "feckless" in the dictionary, yes?

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Cripes, WHO CARES?

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah... how is this gonna save us from ourselves?

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

(sigh) I can see that this might take awhile.

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Okay, we're finally getting somewhere. Do go on.

There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

Sure, we'll get right on that. But I still favor/favour the Sex Pistols' version, such as it were.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

Whatever.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Thank God! I fully agree on this one... 'bout time something gets done about it.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Amen, brother! We don't need guns. Waste of money that could be spent on dark bier, good food, and fast cars.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

Long as I still get to carry my dull Swiss Army knife, so what?

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

YIPPEE! I've been driving German and Swedish cars since I was old enough to reach the pedals. Just leave a few of the pre-'72 U.S. cars on the road. Some of 'em were actually kind of cool.


8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

I'm with ya on the intersections, but this driving on the left bit... NO WAY. Metric system will have to be split with the current system till further notice.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

Well, for most... not for me. I'm a big Monty Python, Benny Hill, etc. fan. Screw 'em if they don't get it.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.

Ooo, um... no. We make our own gasoline and if anything, it'll be brought back down to $1.85gal. effective yesterday.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with "catsup" but with vinegar.

I'm okay with that. I love fish & chips. Vinegar is yer friend!

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

I don't care what temperature my bier is but it better be very dark. Lagers are so-so and on the light side. BRING ON THE STOUTS!

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

I have no idea what you just said... but, CHEERS! I think Sarge can help you with the Commonwealth thing.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

YES! Fully agreed upon! NOW, we're getting somewhere.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Yeah, sure... whatever. Just hand over Liz Hurley and no one gets hurt.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a Cheese grater.

Agreed!

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

I can't loathe sports any more than I already do... go forth with whatever you just stated. American football has less appeal to me than watching grass grow.


14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Baseball is probably the only American sport that makes sense to me. But I agree with your perception of the "world series" aspect. I've always thought that was rather lame, at very least.

You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

The hell I will. I don't do sports. I have a few lifestyles; skateboarding empty pools, surfing, fishing, eating food, and restoring vintage bicycles.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

When we find out, you'll be the second ones to know.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all Monies due (backdated to 1776).

Um... okay. Take back whatever you just said it was that you think that we owe you. 'Tis safe to say we probably won't miss it, anyway.

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (NOT cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

Fabulous! Beings that I quit drinking coffee as of Jan. of this year, and switched to hot brewed tea (not that gay-arsed iced tea!), I'm okay with that.

I think that we can safely assume that after a bit of compromise, we can arrive at some sort of agreement regarding all of this. When does it go into effect? By the by, great post, Keith!

[Jordy/DVK]

Here the unbiased view of someone who's neither American nor English...

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 aluminium... the only correct way indeed...

you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

 No way...  You English people should learn to drive on the RIGHT_(hand) side of the road like most of the world does...

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

GREAT... Inches suck... therefore the Inch Pinchers name should be changed to the 254 millimeter pincher...

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with "catsup" but with vinegar.

 Both bad ideas... Petrol should be cheap and ketchup is waaay better than vinegar...

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 British beer sucks just as 'big time' as USA beer. (and our Dutch Heineken...)  Only a select group of Belgian, German and Dutch beers should be allowed...

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

 Agreed... Soccer is the proper FOOTball. American football is for nancies. Rugby is the way to go...

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 I played baseball in the Netherlands, which is OUTSIDE the USA. Way better than the posh English variant for pussies called Cricket...

[Zach Gomulka]

FINALLY!

It is aluminIum, I couldn't agree with you more!

My left hand and arm isnt suitable for shifting, it is scraggily and weak, therefore you can take my left hand drive cars once you pry them from my gorilla grip (right hand, of course).

May we also ditch the dollar and convert to the pound? It only seems fair.

We will still celebrate July, 4th, but purely as a drinking holiday. Much like Cinco de Mayo!

God Save The Queen!

[John Rayburn]

So, what have you guys been doing today?

[Speed-Randy]

We will never surrender! Second of all, soccer is for third world countries and illegal aliens, probably the most boring sport this side of baseball. Not all of us watch ASSCAR here either, we're not all rednecks. You can take my gun WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD DEAD FINGERS.

[danny gabbard]

You can have so-cal. careful what you wish for

[richie]

i am not waiting till 4pm for a cuppa    T should be consumed hot with milk regularly throughout the day    

The rest is up to the individual

cheers richie,uk

[Bill Schwimmer]

donuts donuts donuts donuts donuts donuts luminum luminum luminum luminum luminum

[nicolas]

the French won't be happy...

[j-f]

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

GREAT... Inches suck... therefore the Inch Pinchers name should be changed to the 254 millimeter pincher...

 

That's sound a little bit less cool 

[Rennsurfer]

You can have so-cal. careful what you wish for

Bloody traitor.

[Fastbrit]

donuts donuts donuts donuts donuts donuts luminum luminum luminum luminum luminum

Sounds like you'll be first up against the wall, Schwimmer!

[javabug]

Which Cal-look site is this???   

[Jon]

This is still the Norwegian one... Many things could have been different if the Vikings had decided to stay in the states when they found it... none for the better... 

[Rennsurfer]

Not all of us watch ASSCAR here either, we're not all rednecks.

HAHA!! Amen to THAT. I liked it better, 10-15 yrs. ago, when no one knew about it. Now, it's all trendy. Oh well... just easier to make fun of as compared to back then.

 

[team97]

the French won't be happy...

Are they ever?

By the way, less reclaiming your country, more get your car running, Doug. Oh yah don't even start with the trailer stuff!

[danny gabbard]

will there be darkness by lucas

[Harry/FDK]

will there be darkness by lucas

 

Yes, with Positive Ground!!!!!!!!!

[Fastbrit]

Oh yah don't even start with the trailer stuff!

Was this you I saw at Bug-In? 

[team97]

No, my trailer has chrome wheels.

[John Rayburn]

Are those BRM hubcaps?

[Speed-Randy]

No thats a british best of show

[Fastbrit]

Both wrong – didn't you know GG has Fuchs on his car? And chrome wheels on his trailer...

[Dave Galassi]

will there be darkness by lucas

 

Yes, with Positive Ground!!!!!!!!!

Positive earth, as the British repair books say. 

[louisb]

the French won't be happy...

Pity the French. So far from God, so close to the Americans. 

--louis