my grocery store experience..................

[Mc New]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just then, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn'tuntil I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired awarning shot.


There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.


Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what herreaction would be to the malodorous effluvium (look it up, Fred) that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched ass he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh. HUGE mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.


Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my asis burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor bastard walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought
to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. The bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the storeL

[Jim Ratto]

Sheep, if McNew can tell his Wal Mart story, you can consider it safe to tell your shower story.

[Rennsurfer]

<rest of post snipped for brevity>
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. The bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the storeL

McNew, where'd you copy & paste that from? And what exactly is a "storeL?" Also, you DO realize that habanera is a music/song term, yes? You're most likely referring to habanero chili peppers. One of the most hottest peppers on the Scoville Chart of which that measures how hot a pepper gets.

The reason I don't believe your story... plain and simple economics, my old friend; your spelling is usually on par with mine over the 29 years that I've known you. Translated: pics or this thread is useless.

 

Besides, I've always been a big fan of hot/spicy foods and peppers.

[Jim Ratto]

Besides, I've always been a big fan of hot/spicy foods and peppers. [/b]

Really.....      Jerk Chicken anyone?

[Mc New]

<rest of post snipped for brevity>
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. The bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the storeL

McNew, where'd you copy & paste that from? And what exactly is a "storeL?" Also, you DO realize that habanera is a music/song term, yes? You're most likely referring to habanero chili peppers. One of the most hottest peppers on the Scoville Chart of which that measures how hot a pepper gets.

The reason I don't believe your story... plain and simple economics, my old friend; your spelling is usually on par with mine over the 29 years that I've known you. Translated: pics or this thread is useless.

 

Besides, I've always been a big fan of hot/spicy foods and peppers.

Freddie, I copied & pasted that story off the south wall of the mint green outhouse at the end of your street! 

[Sarge]

<rest of post snipped for brevity>
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. The bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the storeL

McNew, where'd you copy & paste that from? And what exactly is a "storeL?" Also, you DO realize that habanera is a music/song term, yes? You're most likely referring to habanero chili peppers. One of the most hottest peppers on the Scoville Chart of which that measures how hot a pepper gets.

The reason I don't believe your story... plain and simple economics, my old friend; your spelling is usually on par with mine over the 29 years that I've known you. Translated: pics or this thread is useless.

 

Besides, I've always been a big fan of hot/spicy foods and peppers.

Freddie, I copied & pasted that story off the south wall of the mint green outhouse at the end of your street! 

FAAAAAAKKK!!!   ROFL!!

[Rennsurfer]

It's Kelly green, get it right, McNew.

Holy cow... that cat's got dual exhaust, yes?

Or is that you... blowin' it out yer ass?

 

[ian c]

read this !!   

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080925/ap_on_fe_st/odd_flatulence_charge_7

[Mc New]

It's Kelly green, get it right, McNew.

Holy cow... that cat's got dual exhaust, yes?

Or is that you... blowin' it out yer ass?

 

Yep Freddie, that's ME. The pic  was taken by YOUR girlfriend immediately following a job interview I had at the industrial shipping port, just east of Phoenix. She gave me a ride down there & we were supposed to go on a cruise ship down to Alamogordo, New Mexico IF I had gotten the job! ( I didn't get the job, and the woman that interviewed me kept staring at me & makin' THIS face......................) LMAO

[Rennsurfer]

Shipping port? East of Phoenix? Dude, I think the desert heat has thatched the void where your brain once resided. Not enough water in that region to have a shipping port. Try applying over here, at the Port Of Long Beach.

BTW, your expression was mostly likely this one, instead.

Way more on par than the image that you posted. Ramirez will support my theory/concept, I'm quite sure.

[Sarge]

It's Kelly green, get it right, McNew.

Holy cow... that cat's got dual exhaust, yes?

Or is that you... blowin' it out yer ass?

 

 

[Mc New]

Shipping port? East of Phoenix? Dude, I think the desert heat has thatched the void where your brain once resided. Not enough water in that region to have a shipping port. Try applying over here, at the Port Of Long Beach.

BTW, your expression was mostly likely this one, instead.

Way more on par than the image that you posted. Ramirez will support my theory/concept, I'm quite sure.

Fred, turn on the television once in awhile dood! There IS a port about 5 miles east of Phoenix! (how do ya think the illegals get their drugs and their cousins here?)

And WTF with the Afgan thing? LOL Ya think? maybe i could find a hot chick at a local dog show! 

[Rennsurfer]

Fred, turn on the television once in awhile dood! There IS a port about 5 miles east of Phoenix! (how do ya think the illegals get their drugs and their cousins here?)

YUCK! I've been doing fine without television, thankyouverymuch. All that I need are The Simpsons and my dvds. I made that comment about the port and saltwater 'cause of the picture of you on the dock with the ocean in the background. Try to keep up, dude. HAHA!!

And WTF with the Afgan thing? LOL Ya think? maybe i could find a hot chick at a local dog show! 

Um... lessee, you keep callin' me Fred (Ramirez tagged me w/that) and I keep callin' you Afghan (another one M.R. tagged you with) so YOU do the math, Afghan-boy.

Besides, you just took care of my research work for me in the picture above. Thanks! Case in point.

Thanks for playing... please drive through.

 

On a better note, I FINALLY got a job, today! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm off to go buy a lotta sushi to celebrate. SEE YA!

[Mc New]

Fred, turn on the television once in awhile dood! There IS a port about 5 miles east of Phoenix! (how do ya think the illegals get their drugs and their cousins here?)

YUCK! I've been doing fine without television, thankyouverymuch. All that I need are The Simpsons and my dvds. I made that comment about the port and saltwater 'cause of the picture of you on the dock with the ocean in the background. Try to keep up, dude. HAHA!!

And WTF with the Afgan thing? LOL Ya think? maybe i could find a hot chick at a local dog show! 

Um... lessee, you keep callin' me Fred (Ramirez tagged me w/that) and I keep callin' you Afghan (another one M.R. tagged you with) so YOU do the math, Afghan-boy.

Besides, you just took care of my research work for me in the picture above. Thanks! Case in point.

Thanks for playing... please drive through.

 

On a better note, I FINALLY got a job, today! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm off to go buy a lotta sushi to celebrate. SEE YA!

Listen fuckwad...........I named you FRED (because iof yer fat fingers, like Fred Flintstone. I dubbed Ramirez "Sanchez". There IS alot of water in AZ.(ask yer girlfriend) Homer Simpson is a gaff & the folks at Child Protective Services are very concerned about your DVD collection!

FYI>>> please don't ask me to "keep up", you seem to have forgotten, I'm the one flyin' the goddam ship! LOL


Kepp up with this...................

[Rennsurfer]

Listen fuckwad...........I named you FRED (because iof yer fat fingers, like Fred Flintstone. I dubbed Ramirez "Sanchez". There IS alot of water in AZ.(ask yer girlfriend) Homer Simpson is a gaff & the folks at Child Protective Services are very concerned about your DVD collection!

Yeah, I remember you calling Mark R. that. If I'm mistaken about the Fred thing... then I stand corrected. Mark and I went out to breakfast, along with Meredith after a car event and that Fred story was brought up. Far as we recalled... it was him. Oh well. Now... about this water in AZ thing. Nothing grows in the desert. Wanna know why? SAAAAND! It's SAAAAND! Unless you're a cactus, ya need water to grow things. HAHAHAHA!!! Remember that night in Vegas when we saw that show? What does my girlfriend have to do with this? Don't worry 'bout Child Services. They're knockin' on your door.

FYI>>> please don't ask me to "keep up", you seem to have forgotten, I'm the one flyin' the goddam ship! LOL

McNew, keep up. The ship is still moored and docked. She no workee.

 

[Eric Ellis (57HotrodVW)]

Damn, this thread is full of (funny) shyte...

--Eric