"you didn't sell me everything I need"

[Jim Ratto]

more folklore from days of working parts counter....

Guy comes in with his VW Bug motor semi-disassembled. Everything is glistening and black with filth. Crank is still somewhat together, of course the guy still has the flywheel bolted on and the gears still on. One rod is off, because I can see the purple-blue rod journal. Nice...  Case is dripping oil everywhere, mains are copper. Bypasses still screwed in place. I know Jerry's going to come unglued when he sees this thing puking its guts all over the counter (Jerry was very much into clean). I start misting the counter with B12 and wiping it, but its no use, Jerry's right behind me. "Well don't let that motherf__er bleed all over my counter, get that piece of sh*t in the back and get this fu_king mess cleaned up. Is that case even any goddam good. No sense in walking that thing back there if the f_*ker is spread...  Look at this  F__king mess... you're gonna be here all goddam night cleaning this sumbitchin mess up....!!"
Anyway, a few days go by. Jerry hot tanked the case, align bores it 60 over, gets the guy a good crank, etc..etc. I call the guy and let him know his stuff is ready. Later that day he shows up @ the counter and we start boxing up his stuff.... set of rebuilt rods, polished x-drilled crank, all the bearings, his case, new set of 85.5's, rebuilt heads... etc. Pays his bill, asks a few reasonable questions and leaves.
Next morning, everything is going as usual.. phones ringing, etc. My co-worker says "guy on the phone wants to talk to you..." OK..
I get on the phone and he starts right in on me "Is this your idea of a joke?"
So I'm taken aback... first I don't know who this guy is, and yeah maybe it was one of the pranks that took place about every day @ BH. So I ask... "who is this?"
"I bought all the shit from you yesterday to get my motor together, but I've got a bunch of shit you forgot!"
"Like what"
"I'm so pissed off right now I don't even know...I've been up all nght trying to put this thing together and I'm lost"
"Ok, bring it down and bring the receipt and I'll help you."

About an hour later, the guy walks in with something wrapped in a dirty pink bath towel. Doesn't bother to wait in line... nope, he storms to counter and slams what I'm guessing is the crank down on the counter... here we go again. He glares at me. 

The customer I am helping looks over at Mr Pissed Off. he's so mad he's licking his lips and getting all shifty eyed. Then he says "you betta watch that guy... he'll charge you for shit and not put it in your bag... like me" He unwraps the crank...

The guy had bolted rods to the # 3, # 1, #2 main journal, and # 4, and says "ok where's this rod, huh?"


 

[kafercup]

Sounds normal with some of the characters that used to come in there.

[Jim Ratto]

wait until you hear about the guy that adjusted his valves with motor running.

[The Ideaman]

wait until you hear about the guy that adjusted his valves with motor running.

You can do that with your "bitchin' camaro".

[Jim Ratto]

wait until you hear about the guy that adjusted his valves with motor running.

You can do that with your "bitchin' camaro".

this guy thought if he wore a rain slicker and put a paper bag over his head with eyeholes, he could too. And he tried. I saw the bag.

[The Ideaman]

I would pay money to see that.  Bet he looked like an oily homeless guy.

[Rennsurfer]

The guy had bolted rods to the # 3, # 1, #2 main journal, and # 4, and says "ok where's this rod, huh?"

Wait, I don't understand. Were you not helping that customer build an Audi 5 cylinder engine?

 

Great story, Jim. There were so many funny ones, we outta post 'em all up here. Many people on The Lounge worked/work at VW shops. It would be some good entertainment, for sure.

[Sam K]

I ran into a few people like that when i worked at Smokin' Small Car parts a long time ago. The sort of people who would buy new front brake drums and opt to reuse their old wheel bearings. I always explained to them that need to remove the races from the old drums and install them into the new ones and they would just smile and nod. Inevitably, they would call up the next day and tell me that I sold them the wrong drums because they wobbled all over the place. I would ask if they swapped the races and and of course they had no idea what I was talking about. If nothing else, those kind of people kept the days interesting.

[Rennsurfer]

If nothing else, those kind of people kept the days interesting.

HAHAHA!!! Great story. And amen to your last sentence. VERY true fact.

[Paul Bahnstormerz]

I remember being at my mate's VW shop and I guy turned up with with his car moaning it ran terrible after he changed the oil! The fool had filled the engine full of oil. We explained to him about the dip stick and what he'd done. At which point he proceeded to pull a wrench out of his boot and drop a gallon of oil on the road where it stood. We just looked in utter amazement at him 

But my favourite stoopid guy car story was a mate who had a old sixties Humber, I'd dropped this thing on the floor for him, and fixed it up, it was old and solid and made a cool car for cruising round town. Now in all this playing around we'd never filled the petrol tank. So one night he decides he is taking his car to the coast with his new girlfriend, so goes and fills it up. When he gets back to the car he can smell petrol really strong! About 10pm I get the call, the petrol tank is leaking, I respond "so, what do I need to do tonight, I come look in the morning", "no it's leaking and it has about 50l of petrol in it", I grab some tools and head over, by the time I arrived the whole street is smelling of petrol, with Chris was happily watching 50l of petrol pour into the drain over which he'd decided to park. Nobody smoked by his house for months! 

[Muroc]

What about my sister filling her boyfriend off road beetle on the right side of the car, where the fuel trap is... but what she didn't knew is that her boyfriend had placed a high capacity old model --) 68 fuel tank with inside hood filling. 
I wonder how many liters would have gone into the front hood if i didn't warned hem to stop immediately 
I remember her face seeing already 10 liters of fuel pooring on the floor.....happily there was no luggages in the front hood!!! (we were on the start for a meeting).

[JOHN CANALES]

I'VE WORKED THE PARTS COUNTER FOR YEARS NOW FOR GM... SAME SHIT GOES FOR THE GUYS WITH THE V8'S.  I LOVE IT WHEN THEY COME IN ALL PISSED AND I HAVE TO PROVE THEM WRONG AND WATCH THE WALK OUT WITH THEIR HEAD DOWN...

[Sam K]

I had a customer once that had been parts to build an engine for quite a while. He finally pulled the engine out of his car and started to take it apart. He called me and asked how split the case. I made sure that he had all the nuts removed as well as the oil pump. We talked about "safe" areas to pry it apart. he had no luck so he came in and I sold him one of the tools that fit in the oil pump hole and spreads the case halves. He called a couple hours later and asked if he could bring it in for us too look at. He showed up shorlty thereafter and hauls in his shortblock. It's spread apart at least an inch at the rear (pulley) end and still together ant front (flywheel) end. There were large gouges all over from his attempt to pry it apart using god knows what. It still had the "cradle" part of the engine stand attached but he had bolted it on to both of the bottom studs on the engine which did a very effective job of keeping the case halves together. He tried to tell me that it was our fault because that engine stand he bought did not say which way to attach it to the engine. Genius!

[Rennsurfer]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Classic.

[peach_]

some very funny stories 

[plasticblack]

 I worked at a VW Dealer from 1977 and starte out in the Parts Department.

 We had all manner of interesting folk pass through our doors back then.

 But my favourite hs to be an old West Indian gentleman and his name was Mr Catnot. Mr Cantnot owned a 1971 Audi 100LS, which by '77 was a very out of date model indeed and parts were becoming scarce from the factory and pretty pricey to boot.

 Mr Catnot was a regular customer as his car was always breaking down on him. He would swagger up to the counter and give his requests.

More often than not we would not have the parts he needed and he'd flip out saying he'd rung earlier to check or  he would go crazy over  price shouting that we'd quoted him much less over the phone??

This was a fairly regular part of our week and finaly one day he arrived as usual and totally 'lost it' and began screaming that he'd had enough... that he's rung 20 minutes before and we told him that we had his parts 100% and he could come and pick them up..........

Finally he shouted 'this is Autovolks Shop isn't it'?? and I then pointed out that our Dealership was called  the Royal Berkshire Motor Company............

Our telephone number was 418181 and the clever Local Independant VW Shop had the phone number 418111...

He had been ringing one shop and then turning up at ours for about 2 years....

I didn't see Mr Catnot for about 20 years until I was buying a new house and when I went to view it.....guess who opened the front door..

Mr Catnot no less?

And I did buy his house only to find his garden shed full of Audi parts he had never fitted, many of the picking tickets were in my own handwriting!

[Zach Gomulka]

These are some of the reasons why I've never wanted to work in a VW shop!

[Hotrodvw]

Roll that shit back up into his towel, and tell him to try asking for help again.  He's in your shop because he needs your help.  An attitude is no way to get it. 

[Sarge]

Great story, Plasticblack!

...."you didn't sell me everything I need!!!"

                    Only because you failed to tell ME everything you needed....

[Fastbrit]

Had a guy come into Autocavan one day who was buying everything to build his first motor based around a reground crank he'd bought off a friend. He brought the crank in and I measured it to work out what bearings to sell him. Everything was fine, ground just 0.010 under on all journals. He asked me to run through the basics with him, so i showed him how the (stock) rods went on with the mark on the top, how the bearings located on the dowels… and how to fit the cam and distributor gears. Told him you needed to heat the gear up, line up the keyway and drop the gear onto the crank – after fitting the main bearing, of course. A week later, just to be sure, he bought the crank and rods back in to make sure all was OK. It looked fine, so I told him to go ahead. A week later again, he drove the car in, looking as pleased as pleased can be. His first engine! Woohoo! But two months later, he was back, looking unhappy. The engine had gradually started running worse and worse, down on power until one day it just stopped. From what he described, it sounded like a seizure, so told him to pull the motor apart and bring us the crank and rods. Bearings were all fine, so we were puzzled as to what was going on. I took the crank into the workshop and stripped it all the way down. Nothing was obviously wrong until I went to remove the cam gear... There was no Woodruf key! The gear had been dropped in place and left to its own devices, eventually working its way round, screwing up the cam timing, until the engine just plain quit. When I asked him about this he said 'Well you told me to make sure the slot in the gear was lined up with the one on the crank before I dropped it in place…'. Oh dear.

[Rick Meredith]

Had a guy come into Autocavan one day who was buying everything to build his first motor based around a reground crank he'd bought off a friend. He brought the crank in and I measured it to work out what bearings to sell him. Everything was fine, ground just 0.010 under on all journals. He asked me to run through the basics with him, so i showed him how the (stock) rods went on with the mark on the top, how the bearings located on the dowels… and how to fit the cam and distributor gears. Told him you needed to heat the gear up, line up the keyway and drop the gear onto the crank – after fitting the main bearing, of course. A week later, just to be sure, he bought the crank and rods back in to make sure all was OK. It looked fine, so I told him to go ahead. A week later again, he drove the car in, looking as pleased as pleased can be. His first engine! Woohoo! But two months later, he was back, looking unhappy. The engine had gradually started running worse and worse, down on power until one day it just stopped. From what he described, it sounded like a seizure, so told him to pull the motor apart and bring us the crank and rods. Bearings were all fine, so we were puzzled as to what was going on. I took the crank into the workshop and stripped it all the way down. Nothing was obviously wrong until I went to remove the cam gear... There was no Woodruf key! The gear had been dropped in place and left to its own devices, eventually working its way round, screwing up the cam timing, until the engine just plain quit. When I asked him about this he said 'Well you told me to make sure the slot in the gear was lined up with the one on the crank before I dropped it in place…'. Oh dear.

Just when you think you've made something idiot proof along come a better idiot. 

[Rennsurfer]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Keith, that's classic. Woodruff keys are just a tad essential in regards to keeping things together.

[Jim Ratto]

poor guy... at least he tried. I'm surprised it ran as long as it did! 

[Fastbrit]

poor guy... at least he tried. I'm surprised it ran as long as it did! 

I think the saving grace was that it only had single valve springs, so the pressure on the cam and drive gear was relatively light. I still have to wonder how the guy built the rest of the motor without screwing up...

[Jim Ratto]

poor guy... at least he tried. I'm surprised it ran as long as it did! 

I think the saving grace was that it only had single valve springs, so the pressure on the cam and drive gear was relatively light. I still have to wonder how the guy built the rest of the motor without screwing up...

how about the crank and generator pulleys? Now if he got those right and NOT the timing gears.... 

[plasticblack]

I've just remembered another story from my days behind the Dealership Parts Counter...

I recall a very Oily long-haired Denim wearing guy coming in for spare parts for a VW Saxomat Gearbox. This must have been about 1978 and at best the car would have been 10 years old by then.

Anyone that has had dealings with a Semi-Auto Beetle is indeed a brave man, so I took it upon myself to help him with his list. It so happens that these parts were mighty expensive  & I figured that after the initial order he wouldn't be back anyhow.

I did notice that he looked like he'd been in a fight.. Kind of bruised around the edges and limping a bit...

Over the next few weeks the visits continued and he orders kept on coming? he'd stumble in (literally) and poduce his Haynes Manual and oily bits of paper and order up another load of stuff. He always seemed just a little distant during his visits and always Roughed Up kind of.

Weeks turned into Months and still this chap kept on coming... Same Old Haynes manual , more dog-eared and oily on each occasion, until on one particular visit he arrived on crutches (with a friend)??  He placed another order and left with his friend in an Old Ford Transit Van.

I didn't see him for a few weeks until he arived with his friend once again.. but this time he was in a Wheelchair! Same procedure.. long list of parts and away he went once again!

The Final time  he came in was several weeks later and to my amazement he had had his left leg amputated!!!!!!!!!

Tuned out that he had been told he had some problem with his leg that required amputation and he had been working like a demon to build a VW Powered Trike based on a 1968 Semi-Auto Beetle...

Believe me I had big respect or this guy, who was by all accounts in a great deal of pain throughout this time and still managed to complete all the work himself.

Can't Judge a Book by looking at the Cover eh?

[Jim Ratto]

I remember being at my mate's VW shop and I guy turned up with with his car moaning it ran terrible after he changed the oil! The fool had filled the engine full of oil. We explained to him about the dip stick and what he'd done. At which point he proceeded to pull a wrench out of his boot and drop a gallon of oil on the road where it stood. We just looked in utter amazement at him 

But my favourite stoopid guy car story was a mate who had a old sixties Humber, I'd dropped this thing on the floor for him, and fixed it up, it was old and solid and made a cool car for cruising round town. Now in all this playing around we'd never filled the petrol tank. So one night he decides he is taking his car to the coast with his new girlfriend, so goes and fills it up. When he gets back to the car he can smell petrol really strong! About 10pm I get the call, the petrol tank is leaking, I respond "so, what do I need to do tonight, I come look in the morning", "no it's leaking and it has about 50l of petrol in it", I grab some tools and head over, by the time I arrived the whole street is smelling of petrol, with Chris was happily watching 50l of petrol pour into the drain over which he'd decided to park. Nobody smoked by his house for months! 

the "oil overfill" was a common occurence among our customers as well. We sold remnufactured longblocks, off the shelf, to those customers that felt they were brave enough to install themselves, which of course, they all thought they were more than capable. With the motor, for the gaurantee we offered, we sent the new owner home with an extensive checklist, just to make sure they got everything nailed down correctly before first fire up. Simple things like "make sure to use 30 wt non detergent Kendall" got twisted into "fill engine entirely until it comes out of oil filler cap" by these optimistic customers. Seemed the more motors we sold, the more notes we had to add to the warranty sheet.
Customer: "Show me on this warranty where it says I have to put that fan shroud back on! I'm still under warranty!!!"
Customer: "I couldn't figure out where all those little hoses go, so I just left them off"
Customer: "It's summer anyway, I don't need heater, so I didn't put those paper hoses on"
Frustrating thing was...everybody was a VW expert. If they could change the fan belt... then they were factory trained. I used to offer them a discount on a Bentley manual if they bought a motor, in an effort to make sure everything went back as it should and rarely would anybody want one... instead I'd get the old "Oh a book? I don't need that. My uncle's-neighbor's-vetrinarian's-barber's-paperboy knows these things inside and out..."

[Rennsurfer]

Customer: "Show me on this warranty where it says I have  to put that fan shroud back on! I'm still  under warranty!!!"
Customer: "I couldn't figure out where all those little hoses go, so I just left them off"
Customer: "It's summer anyway, I don't need heater, so I didn't put those paper hoses on"

 

[John Rayburn]

Mark, you just spelled Schwimmer wrong.

[Rennsurfer]

Mark, you just spelled Schwimmer wrong.

And you smell like old people.